if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
