This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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