I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize