Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
