Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
