You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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