And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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