K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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