We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
