When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
