In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
