I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
