In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
