How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
