i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
