dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Jerry, you need to find god
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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