at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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