I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
