I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
