I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
