you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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