But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
