How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
