I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
