It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
