i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
