The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
