I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
