genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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