sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need to sanitize my soul.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
