oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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