There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
