Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
