I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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