I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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