Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Holy sore nipples Batman
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
