I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
