Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
