Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize