We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize