I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
