I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
