its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
