I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
