I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm bleeding and have questions
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
