I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
