I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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