i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
