i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You left your phone here
Wait...
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