Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
