woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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