Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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