I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
