I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
