The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
