"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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