It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
