I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize