No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
