the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
