When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
