I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
